In August of 2014, I really wanted to do something for myself that I felt would drive me and help me become more comfortable in my own skin so I decided to try a diet. I began to eat healthy and workout and before you know it, I had lost 15 pounds working hard and I was very pleased with what I had accomplished but wasn’t pleased with my appearance still. I wanted more weight to come off, I wanted to be skinny, I wanted to be pretty, I wanted to feel good about myself because I felt like I wasn’t worthy enough. So I decided to continue on with this. My life started to begin to become stressful, I was losing weight like crazy and I was always dizzy and always felt weak at times. This thing that I use to have all under control soon became spirling out of my control.
Eating disorder?? You watch movies and shows about girls who battle this and you think that there is just no way that you would ever let that happen to you. Or you think that only girls who are sticks can have eating disorders but actually more girls are over weight or normal weight have eating disorders then tiny girls.
I soon began to eat less calories a day starting with just 1000, then 900 then eventually I wouldn’t let myself eat more than 800 a day. My body needs ATLEAST 1500 calories a day. But to me, it was just a normal thing because all I wanted was to be “skinny”. I began to binge and purge everyday. I would eat something that was high In calories and then right away, I would go and throw it up. I did this for a week and said I would stop and then eventually it never stopped. My life began to crumble and so did my body. I would look at myself for literally hours at a time and point out every flaw I had and cry till I felt I couldn’t no more. I told myself everyday that I was ugly. I told myself no one would ever love me or want me. I told myself I was fat. & I let myself believe that I was worthless. That was the devil getting in my head because the enemy takes any opportunity to attack you and bring you down.
I didn’t know what to do from here. My friends were worried about me all the time and every time they talked about it to me, I would push them away because I knew I was sick but I didn’t want to admit it. Thank God for all my supportive friends. Scout, Elizabeth, Bailey, Kali, Brii, and destinee were the biggest help last year because at the time I was angry at them for worrying about me but looking back I’m so very thankful. Let’s not forget about my amazing parents who remind me of my worth everyday! At this point, I didn’t care about life anymore. I decided to go on a spiritual walk called a walk to Emmayus because my parents both went on one and said it was life changing. So in March of 2015 I decided to go.
It was the place that saved my life and God knew I needed it. During the walk, I heard a lady speak and she said “let go of the images that are less than God made you” this was a turning point for me. After this walk, I ate more calories but still not enough and was not recovered yet this went on for awhile but it always got better and better because this time I knew God was for me and never against me. I knew I wasn’t “damaged goods “.
During the beginning of my recovery I was so angry with God and I was so bitter. I would ask God why I had to be in recovery and why couldn’t i wake up everyday like normal people and didn’t have to battle this. I was so bitter that some girls have high metabolism and don’t have to work for their body and I did and I got sick. I was so bitter over skinny girls and pretty girl. I hated everyone because I hated myself.
Heres the things, you can’t ever turn self hate into self love!! Please remember that. You can’t hate yourself enough into eventually loving yourself. No diet, wrap, or medication will do that for you!! Because your worthy isn’t found in how “skinny” you are. You aren’t defined by your body weight!! Because your worth is found in Jesus!!
In October of 2015, I got an opportunity to share my testimony to people who were apart of the Emmayus community. I was nervous but excited as well!! One day I sat down to begin to work on it and God spoke through me. I started typing and writing about things that I didn’t even know that I knew about myself. The day I was sharing, I was so scared. I was scared of being judged and that people would think differently of me. When I stepped up to that podium, God took all of that away. I began to share and fighting back tears. When I was finished, I just remember looking up and seeing everyone standing up and clapping for me and saw that there wasn’t one dry eye in the room. Men and women from all ages were crying and smiling because of my story. That moment right there is when I realized that I’m here on this earth for a reason! I realized that my story can change lives and my story can inspire people. I had confidence in myself for the first time in years.I dedicated my life to my recovery on that day!!
I am now 6 months in recovery! & man does it feel good! God is good y’all!! I believe that God turned my past into a purpose and that is to share the good news of Jesus and to share my testimony and so that I can help others who are battling eating disorders. Recovery doesn’t mean that it’s easy and im fine because I still have bad days and bad weeks where I feel defeated and I feel like crying and giving up but recovery means that I’m not alone anymore and recovery means that I can fight off those thoughts and those temptations because our God empowers!! Everyday I wake up with 2 decisions. I can either let this disorder defeat me, I can let the devil take over my thoughts. Or I can continued to fight this disorder and I can push away those thoughts.
To anyone out there who is battling this or is struggling with body confidence, please understand that you are not alone! The only person who can heal you is Jesus! Lay everything at his feet and surrender because you will never regret it. Please know that you are beautiful or handsome. You are worthy!! If I can do this, so can you! I believe in you! Keep fighting and don’t give up because you can be an eating disorder warrior!!
This is the fight worth fighting. This is recovery & it is possible and so worth it!! Give glory to God, because this is him not me.
I love you all, keep fighting!