If you asked me a year ago what I would be doing this time next year, my answer definitely wouldn’t have been correct. Of course not though, no one hopes or plans for this diagnosis. That’s why cancer is so hated because it comes in when you least expect it to and it turns your world absolutely upside down.
A year ago I didn’t even know that in just less than 2 months I would be checking myself into an eating disorder treatment center to fight what I thought at the time was the hardest fight of my life. Don’t get me wrong, that fight is hard. Very very hard but I can definitely say it fails in comparison to the current fight I’m fighting. I never thought anything in the world could be as hard as this horrible eating disorder until I met leukemia.
If I can be honest and real with you all, I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my whole entire life. There’s something about knowing that there is something in your blood that is literally killing you that makes this overwhelming immense fear surround you. I haven’t been outside in 2 1/2 weeks. So this hospital room has been my home 24/7 and anyone that knows anything about hospitals knows that it definitely doesn’t feel like home. There is this discouraging aroma about this place. Especially when every other patient on the floors has cancer as well. The enemy has come to discourage and scare me even more through my dreams since I’ve been here.
There is more though. There is hope even in the midst of this storm. There is joy even in this horrible diagnosis. This cancer may be bad and ugly but God is so good. Everyday when I get rolled down to the NICU to see my Mase, I’m reminded of His goodness. I’m reminded of the miracles He works for our good even when we don’t deserve them.
Even when my faith seems small. Even when I don’t know what to say to Him. Even on the days when all I do is cry in discouragement. Even when I’m crippled with fear and doubt. He is here. He is already ten steps ahead of me. He is already working through my next hurdle and bump In the road.
As I know this chemos job is to kill these cancer cells. My hope will not be in this chemo because the chemo is not my healer. Jesus is. So, I’ll put all my hope into Him. There’s even days where I’m so discouraged and all I want to ask is why. Those days are hard to cling to Him. Those days make this fight even harder but I know He will never forsake me. & He will never forsake you.
I don’t know what your battle or storm looks like today but what I do know for sure is that there is no diagnosis, disease, sadness, heartbreak, sickness, sin, or addiction that God won’t face head on with you. There is nothing that is too scary or big that God won’t walk each day by your side to defeat. He is just that good.
This fight has begun. I’m thankful for you all who have joined me in this fight. Either by praying for me, reaching out to me, or just sending your love.
Continue to pray for my sweet Mase and that he continues to grow and stay healthy. Please continue to pray for complete healing over me and for my heart to not feel so heavy at times.
I will continue to write during this journey so stay tuned for more blogs.