A year ago, I wrote a blog titled “Road Through Recovery.” In that blog I focused on the importance of where our value and worth is found. Most of the blog I talked about the process of learning to love myself again. It was a positive blog. It was focused more on the positive side of recovery. Don’t get me wrong, that needs to be talked about but whats more important is the negative side of recovery. The ugly, hard, and frustrating battle that is fought in me and other people in recovery from an eating disorder every day. So, I will try and make this blog the most real and authentic one I have ever wrote. I want this to be the most authentic version of myself.
If you read my blog I wrote a couple months ago titled “Guilty to Forgiven”, then you would know that after a year into recovery, I soon relapsed.
These thoughts can be so overpowering and so exhausting. Its a constant war going on in my head. A battle between wanting to be healthy and recovered but also wanting to be “skinny” and have the “perfect” size 2 body. The thoughts are so overwhelming. Some days they are so harsh that I don’t have the desire to do anything. It almost feels as if these thoughts paralyze me. The depression kicks in and I feel defeated.
This is the hardest battle I’ve ever fought. I believe it’s the hardest because it’s an everyday battle.
I wake up everyday having to fight it. Having to encourage myself to get out of bed and look in the mirror and having to force myself to speak truth. Gods truth; His word. Everyday.
The hardest part of my day is getting dressed. The enemy will tell me so many lies during this. He reminds me of the old me, the 103 pound girl. Even though we both know thats obviously too skinny for me and very unhealthy. He will remind me of that flat stomach I once had, or those skinny legs, or that skinnier face. He tells me how disgusting it is that I gained 40 pounds. He reminds me of all the pretty and thin girls out there. He tells me that no man wants someone with these issues. He reminds me of my past. He tells me that I can’t impact lives. This makes me so discontent with my body and who I am. This is where the depression kicks in. It comes so randomly and so harshly, to the point where I don’t want to eat that day. These days I have to force myself to eat. These days I have to fight for my recovery. I have to fight for my freedom from this disorder. This is the hardest fight I’ve ever fought.
I wish I could tell you that when I have these days that I dive into the word and instantly feel better. I wish I could say that I always fight the enemy off and defeat the thoughts. If I’m honest with you, some times this disorder feels like its defeated me. I feel exhausted from it; to the point of where I just want to lay in bed all day and turn off my phone. Some times the depression hits me so hard that it feels impossible to even get in the word.
I have to take this recovery day by day and so do you. If you are reading this and you can relate in any way then please pay attention to this advice. The best advice I’ve ever received about my disorder is that we have to take this day by day. We can’t change what we did yesterday or months ago. We can’t change or predict what we are going to do tomorrow or in 2 weeks. What we can change is today. I can wake up today and decide to believe Gods truth about myself over the enemies lies. I can’t promise anything for tomorrow and I can’t change that bad day I had Friday but I can change the course of today. Today I will chose to love myself for how God made me and I pray you can do the same.
You will fall. You will sin. You will have those awful days where the enemy seems right. You will fail at recovery some days.
You will learn to love yourself again. You will learn to fight this battle. You will have good days. Whether or not you see it right now. Endure this recovery journey with patience. Let God restore you and make you new. Its the most satisfying feeling in this world. I want to take all of you with me. I want to show you the goodness, faithfulness, and the love I’ve experienced through my walk with Christ.
The hardest thing I have to do sometimes is tell people that I have a 40 pound weight gain. Those words make me want to cry but its reality.
But heres the thing, I didn’t just gain 40 pounds of weight back but most importantly, I gained my life back!
Most of you know that I have 2 tattoos. One is on the side of my hand and the other on the side of my wrist. One says worthy and the other is the eating disorder recovery symbol. I put them in this spot for the reason being that every morning the first thing I do is wash my face. When I do this I put my hair behind my ears and you can visibly see these tattoos when I do that.
The tattoo that says worthy is to remind me everyday that my worth isn’t found in what size I may be, or how much makeup I wear that day, or whether or not I have a boyfriend, because it isn’t found in what this world says about me. Its found in what Christ did on the cross for me! Our worth is found in nothing else but Christ!!
The second tattoo, that is the recovery symbol, is to remind me of the work God is doing in me. Its proof that He can renew all things and make us new in Him.
This might be the hardest fight I’ve ever fought but its a fight that is worth fighting. My prayer for anyone out there that is reading this and is struggling with this, is that you know that you are not alone and you are worthy!
Thanks for reading!