Shame, guilt, un worthy, messy, unwanted, less, bitter, unloved, sinful. These are words that have haunted my mind the past 6 months. Words the devil has convinced me to believe. Words that hurt. Words that kill. Words that have kept me from living for Christ. Words that have kept me from my purpose. Words that led to me completely feeling like the lowest I ever have.
I’m 19 years old. I was called into ministry over a year 1/2 ago. I had fought a mental illness which is my eating disorder and won. I was recovered. I was living for the Lord and walking with him everyday. I thought I had my life together. I was the girl who talked and preached about self love. Who would go to war for any girl just to feel loved and worthy. I was passionate about this. Passionate about body positive. Passionate about the Lord.
So what happen?
What made a girl who loved the Lord and loved her recovery to someone who didn’t even open the Bible because of her guilt and shame? Who couldn’t even pray because she’s drowning in guilt.
My whole recovery I couldn’t wait till I hit the one year mark. I couldn’t wait till I could hit that day and know that I made it a whole year of leaving to love myself again. In October 6th 2016, I made it. There was this pure happiness I felt that day. This rewarding feeling of love. Problem is, I took pride in this. I was so proud of what I had done forgetting the fact that I wouldn’t have made it without the grace of God. I felt like I could do anything I put my mind to at this point. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I was so prideful of this that I began to try and do everything on my own. Not putting my dependence on the one who conquered death. The one who’s powerful enough to do the impossible. I wanted to trust my plan, not His.
Two weeks after my one year mark, I relapsed.
I started to believe the lies the devil had been ready to feed me. That self love began to turn back into self hate. I began to starve, began to tear myself up, began to brutally want to destroy my body again. I wanted to torture it for not being “enough.”
Being someone who constantly loves to build up other women and girls. Being someone who preaches to younger girls that meaning behind self love. You can see why this shame and guilt grew bigger then the self hate.
The shame of my relapse led to seeking approval from others, led to giving up on literally everything, led to this constant scary sin cycle that would ruin my purpose. This led me down a path that was completely and utterly destroying my life. My mind was so unhealthy. I wanted nothing but to just numb this pain.
I’m not writing this blog for sympathy, attention, or approval. I’m writing this blog to encourage believers. I’m writing this for all of you to know that you are not alone through your struggles. You are not defeated, you are not destroyed, you do not have to live drowning in this shame that you seem to keep going back to.
Jesus was beaten, bruised, killed, and nailed on a cross for YOU. He was a sinless human and died a criminals death for YOU! For our sins to be forgiven. For our guilt and shame to be laid at rest so that we can fill the true fulfillment of freedom.
For me, I know that the day that I laid all of this at his feet. When I gave him my hurts, pain, scars, past, present, and future. When I laid my eating disorder down at the cross. He game me freedom. He gave me life back. He reminded me that I am forgiven for it all.
The hardest past is forgiving myself and that’s where we have to be careful. When we continue to live with our guilt and shame even though we have been forgiven we are saying that what Jesus did on that cross wasn’t enough. We are saying that Him defeating death just isn’t good enough for us to forgive ourselves. That’s powerful. What he did covers the depths of hurting hearts. It gives us eternal life, it’s gives us love that is eternal, love that’s hard to wrap our brain around. I’m thankful for His faithfulness. Aren’t you?
If I was still living my way, I would not be writing this blog. I would not be telling you all that I might have wasted a whole year of my life learning to love myself to 2 weeks later falling again. I would not share to you my pain and sufferings. I would hide this secret of mine and never share it. I wouldn’t ever share this because I’m protecting this “image” of mine. This image of being “strong” or recovered or even just someone who has their life together.
I’m a mess but the beauty behind it is that God loves this mess.
I wish I had a happy ending for this story. I wish I could say that I’m fully recovered again. I wish I could tell you that every day I wake up just loving my body, my soul, and my mind.
The truth is, some days I wake up hurting. I wake up in pain. I wake up not being able to see the true beauty behind my outer image.
But I do know that this fight of self love is worth fighting. I will keep pushing, I will keep fighting, I will not give up. I will be in His word every day to fuel me. I will love others the best I know have. I will push out the negative thoughts the devil try’s to feed to me. I will live out my purpose in ministry. Where ever that is God wants me. I will fall and I will get back up. I will fight this battle of self love. I will fight sin.
Good news, the battle is already won. Christ defeated death. He won for all of us to live in freedom not do our will but His!
I pray that all of you are encouraged by this. That you know that sometimes we have to share the things that are the hardest to share because the Lord wants to use that to help others.